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I feel like I'm living a capsule life. There are 40 other things out there at any given time for me to go do, or see, or try, but I spend the entire day inside doing what seems to be nothing at all, except for counting down the days.
Uni has a schedule, which is good. I count down the days to my winter recess, spring break, or summer vacation—at the end of the long academic road is a 13-hour flight home, and then three weeks (or months) of happiness, out of this weird capsule, and then at the end we're 13-hours back again and into the capsule.
Idk. Every first week back after a long break hits a little differently, which means hitting considerably worse than it did last time, but I don't know how to fix it. Therapy doesn't really know how to fix it either. It's less a mental thing and more of a lifestyle-i-can't-live-here kind of thing, but as graduation grows near, I can't help but try to picture what kind of capsule I'm going to graduate from and crawl into next.
Work has no schedule in that I don't know when I'll be able to go home permanently. I can take time off. July. December. Not January to May. Maybe a longer time in between after a few years. But I imagine I'd just be squeezing myself into another countdown, longing for the happiness that's "nostalgic and definitely not real" to my family and seemingly only "real" to myself, all the way across the Pacific. When will the right professional trade-off appear? So that I can justify packing it all up and moving myself back home? All unknowns, and I fear that might be the worst kind of countdown of all.
Tomorrow marks the end of the Last First Week (of school). Hopefully next week will be better. D-109 to my flight home, I guess.